There was no possibility of taking a walk that day
So we took the train to Procrastination Station
I! Love! Art!
I love to ponder the process of creating it. I love to daydream all day and night about having created it. But most of all, I love to procrastinate creating anything at all. I love procrastination so much, in fact, that it’s become a hobby. A skill. A craft, if you will.
Anything is an art form if you do it right, and procrastination is no exception. I am an artiste, darling, and the ticking clock is my muse.
You see, I find that perfect concoction of laziness, desperation, and shame to be positively delectable. Much like a fine wine, or a microwavable dinner.
One can’t start writing a book until they know every character’s name, you see. Or until every name’s every syllable echoes the sound of every character’s soul.
Discovering that soul takes quite a while, too. There are many questions to ask of one’s characters. What are their interests? What’s their greatest fear? What is their most cringe, problematic desire? Do they gatekeep, gaslight, or girlboss?
And if one writes fantasy? Bah. How dare you even suggest I start writing before I’ve constructed an elaborate naming system combining the phonology of three real-life languages? Complete with titles for streets, cities, rivers, mountain ranges, forests, deserts, and oceans?
Naturally, before I do that, I must know the lay of the land, which involves becoming a well-rounded geography expert. I’m proud to announce I know the definitions of fjord, bay, and gulf.
Every land has its history, too. There is no “Chapter One” until I’ve uncovered all important (and unimportant) political, social, and natural events that ever occurred in my genius setting. No matter if these events will never be mentioned in my story or have any bearing at all on its plot! It’s absolutely imperative that I write the full five-volume historical chronicles of my book, as well as a contemporary political treatise on the government, its leaders, and its laws. Without further delay.
And what of culture? If this story takes place in another realm, another universe, my (unnamed, because I haven’t yet matched the right syllables to their souls) characters have never heard of Gin Rummy, bless their hearts, or, indeed, Hearts. There is no Caravaggio, no Tchaikovsky. Certainly no Bruce Willis! Who are their cultural hunks?
So alas. No perfectly constructed and thematic first sentence can be set down until I’ve learned the precise steps of the five most popular dances, and what kind of setting and situation they’re performed in, and for what purpose. You never know what may come in handy when writing a novel!
To that end, I must write an outline. I must complete an outline template. No, I must create my own outline template. No, I must create two! One for positive arcs, one for negative, both combining three different plotting methods to create comprehensive character-driven plot templates divided into 3 acts, 4 sections, 12 beats, and 33 core scenes! Then I must fill in both outlines with examples from Jane Eyre and Wuthering Heights so that the adoring admirers who visit my literary salon each night can understand what the hell I’m talking about!
And then, my dears, I must rest.
I am weary. I couldn’t possibly write today.