Application to the captaincy
Resume attached below
The beginning of a new, ongoing series in which I leverage my extensive (and demonstrable) experience in writing cover letters. For a history of the demoralizing art of the cover letter, enjoy this suitably disillusioned article from the Paris Review.
To whom it may concern,
In light of your recent vacancy, I’m writing to apply for the captaincy of the Ever Given container ship. Currently, I’m a publishing intern and an independent content creator, having lately received my master’s degree, awarded with distinction, in comparative literature.
While I do not have any relevant ship-steering experience, from my literary studies I know all the most famous sea captains: Ahab, Nemo, Sparrow. From their example, I’ve learned the importance of big boats, obsession, and rum, the three most important seafaring accessories. I have been driving cars for 10 years and never caused an accident; so far I’ve only run into one (1) pole and one (1) mailbox, both of which survived intact and neither instances of which caused global trade crises.
My driving skills are accentuated by my stellar playlist accompaniments, which include the greatest hits of Lady Gaga (for vigor) and four classical playlists, based on mood (for drama). Additionally, due to my years gazing wistfully at the night sky, I can identify both the Big Dipper and Orion’s Belt, allowing me to navigate at night if necessary.
While until now I have pursued a career in publishing, the lure of a glorious life at sea, as demonstrated by recent events, has encouraged me to change course,1 and to begin a long and illustrious career as a ship’s captain. I thrive in high-stakes, detail-oriented environments with quick deadlines and team collaboration. I also love swimming.
Due to this experience and to my strong passion for the mysteries of the deep, I believe I would be an exemplary addition and asset to your team.2
Alternatively, if you ever require another international trade blockage, perhaps for more publicity or to stick it to the global machine, I am positive I could find enough rage within me to lodge the boat into the canal again.
I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Nautical puns, aye?
I tried to provide inspirational photographic evidence for this, but one skill I do not have is Photoshop.